Swimming backwards.

Coming from a time of changes.

Changes that I didn’t ask for , didn’t foresee. Though they happened slowly , with giant red flags, I wanted to believe in love so naturally I didn’t have a fall back plan.

It knocked me off balance. All of a sudden, kind of like after an earthquake the wave I was riding started moving, faster and bigger into a huge tsunami wave. No ability to know where it is going much less the destruction it may or may not cause.

Not knowing where it should go, feeling overall directionless and panicked – the only safe place seemed to try and go backwards. Back towards the place before the wave. Or back to warn my old self of this inevitable fall so it wouldn’t hurt so bad.

Determined to move forward but a slave to my internal conflicts of : letting go of the past, missing the boy, the connection. Wishing things never ended up the way they did. This inner conflict kept me swimming backwards.

I’ve learned that my assumptions about missing someone, when the memories of him crash into my brain, I thought it meant that I should reconnect, try to revisit the past to figure out what went wrong. But that’s not actually the case at all.

I realized that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life.

You can miss someone without wanting them back. This is how it is.

Don’t let the emotions gaslight you (I am the guiltiest of this) it’s ok to still have love for someone, even forgive them but at the same time don’t let those emotions dictate the actions of today in the present.

As usual, the truth seems to be in the middle by combining two opposing forces. On the one hand the logical people accept the past and use it to their advantage. On the other hand, the creative people remain very much in the present, connected to reality. Use both forces to keep moving forward. I know how annoying that is to hear when the truth is like : this hurts, this sucks, I am lost, drowning and in need of an effing (handsome) lifeguard.

What helped the most during the tsunami breakup was my bff saying a singular elegant sentence:

“Girl, I think you forgot who f@ck you are.”

I forgot I’m a bad bit@h.

I have no regrets. I loved, I lost, I felt this lesson and I needed it. It gave me boundaries.

And ironically the wave (so cliché ! I know) pushed me right into the arms of my man. My lifeguard (lol I know I’m the worst right now!!) but I love you so much .

I’m grateful to Stephanie for her words of wisdom and to my ex for trying to drown me .

I ain’t scared of tsunamis. Duh.


To The man with the God Complex

“A god complex is an unshakable belief characterized by consistently inflated feelings of personal abilityprivilege, or infallibility. A person with a god complex may refuse to admit the possibility of their error or failure, even in the face of irrefutable evidence, intractable problems or difficult or impossible tasks. The person is also highly dogmatic in their views, meaning the person speaks of their personal opinions as though they were unquestionably correct.

Someone with a god complex may exhibit no regard for the conventions and demands of society, and may request special consideration or privileges.”

To the man who thinks he is a God.

Trust me when I say that I understand
That believin’ in nothing is a lead heavy hand
That the fate of the water resolves in the sand
That maybe all we’re doing is for nothin

You stammer anxiously but with nothing to say
The chords all feel empty when you sit down to play
So you stand in the doorway smokin herb, sippin wine, waiting for a change

But if nothing is sacred, then nothing is lost

Wishin’ that every piece was for something
But it’s not.

Im not the one to be shackled with a forehead frown
Still the remaining traces of us seem to lie spread apart. The charred pieces I’m trying to swallow but as usual I keep missing the mark.
The engine won’t turn, and the furnace won’t spark
Conversations of futures, resigned to the dark.

Feels like all that’s been built will crumble

I was in your corner, whatever the cost
The gossip from fake friends with iron fists keeps you down

Once innocent, so sweet we were. I loved you more than I hope you ever understand. Our faith tested, we ripped each other apart.
Doubting each other’s words and validity, the ugliest, most vicious immoral backstabbing.

Sometimes I go back to that perfect place. Before the clouds came, in that space where we were safe.

Cause if nothing is sacred, then nothing is lost
And I was in your corner, whatever the cost
If the fists that are flying, are keeping you down
Then fight a little harder, for once in your life Pirin stand your ground.
I will leave you with this lastly and in very poor taste. The damage you did is such a disgrace.

I spent hours going back to check on that space. that same spot, salvaging what I can for you before it’s erased.

You’re blinded by a fragile ego and false pride. Pirin Rouptchin you lie, a thousand lies.

Lacking integrity, an easily bought opportunist at heart.

But what you dont understand is The heart who has understanding seeks knowledge,
The mouth of fools- feeds on foolishness.

Promises I once believed now resigned to a deeply scarred mistrust. Thanks so much for making the wall around my little heart a guarded mountain of death for the next person to climb.

PS: Your sex game sucks
< sorry! not sorry) I still hate you. Forever and always,

Warmest regards,

Narcissus by Caravaggio, Pirin gazing at his own reflection
Pirin Rouptchin
Pirin Rouptchin
Pirin Rouptchin walking with Ryder Ryckman
Pirin Rouptchin master plan roofing

Like some shitty version of the bachelor, I saw what you are and I exited stage left. Let some other sucker win.

Play stupid games and you win stupid prizes.

I know you think you’re the best thing since sliced bread but what’s stuck in my throat is this: Like the king of wands upside down, it’s all a mirage.

You work hard to look good for an imaginary paparazzi. You live in a place that is not yours. You sleep in sheets you never earned.

Time has escaped you. Spent foolishly in clubs holding someone’s daughter’s purse. 15 years is a LONG time to be doing nothing.

Everything you show the world as your own is borrowed without permission from someone else.

Money aside, what I’m posted about is your well hidden lack of integrity.

You have a blind fold over your eyes and I had one over my mouth.

Holding my tongue for what? To be gentle on your elephant sized ego?

An ego so fragile, you manipulated and gaslit situations and you look like an idiot. All the people you & Neli tried to rip off became my most beneficial friends. I cleaned up your roofing shingle messes, ‘nough said.

Wish fulfiller? Nope nightmare enhancer. I wish I could erase my brain.

Masterplan roofing is the worst joke you’ve ever played on yourself. Master Plan your ass to sobriety.

I finally pulled the swords out of my back! Thank you so much! And fuck you very , very much!


Down the Rabbit Hole


We all live in our own reality. I knew that expression 2 weeks ago. It was just that to me, an expression, a quote. Some new age hippie bs, whatever.

I always categorized myself as someone who was “kicking ass”. I was a rebellious teen who had really lived an exciting life. Then a successful single mother. I had a silver Mercedes. I had a “dream” career in Hollywood. I admired everything about Harvey Specter from Suits. I worked my tail off and people liked me. All good.

Then it all disappeared. My reality was suddenly something very real and I was watching it crumble like a sandcastle.

When I woke up 2 weeks ago, in Calgary Alberta (no offence) a single mother of two very young boys, with no job, staring at an email from my ex’s lawyer that he was listing our house for sale; just like that.

It seems clear on the outside, just find somewhere else to go Lauren-.

But it’s not so forking clear when this tiny house you bought together in a foreign country is all you know.

I couldn’t see it as clear. I didn’t want to see any of it!

Every email from Adam Mair ( Canada’s   🇨🇦 Worst realtors) felt like a wave crashing into me, leaving my eyes blurry, my ears ringing and terrifyingly disorientated.

My hair was all straggly, I didn’t want to see anyone. In between gasps of air I emailed complete strangers for help. The only person who responded (without a credit card authorization slip) was the fantastic inspiring Alexa Mason. Did I heed her wise advice? Nope. No I did not, I didn’t do anything productive in fact (except become a research expert on just about every new age/self help rabbit hole) without actually helping myself.

I couldn’t accept that my own mind had somehow talked me out of who I was. My mind had decided that mediocre was fine. My former cheerleader and greatest ally, myself, had suddenly turned on me.

Our  minds can be a bit sneaky like that. The mind doesn’t want to be carefully examined,or dictated to, much less over ruled. So my mind slowly began to conjure up +67,890 reasons that could be a scapegoat.

It had to be something else. It had to be ANYTHING ELSE than me taking full accountability + responsibility and hardest of all: taking control for discipling my own mind.

In between fantasy and reality my ego said Aha! Maybe I hadn’t done enough Feng Shui for April, better go rearrange the entire house,  buy some foo dogs online.

Maybe it’s the high altitude and barometric pressure changes in Calgary. The chinooks can be a good scapegoat as to why my life feels meaningless and my procrastination is increasing.

As the hours ticked away, my research into; barometric pressure, vitamin deficiencies, my rh negative blood type, Vedic horoscope, Eastern and Western philosophies, geomagnetic storms, solar flares, all theories were openly appealing to mind. This “research” was surprisingly wielding few answers.

the Secret, “The Law of Attraction”, “subliminal mind reprogramming” & “don’t commit suicide today!”

All good advice.

But I kept waking up feeling exactly the same.

Stuart Wilde, my mind loved that idea,  stay home and manifest miracles.

I wanted someone, anyone to tell me how how I felt. Tell me I’m not in charge of my own destiny, tell me I hadn’t created this life where I had lost myself in mind. My living room littered with cheap dollar store Buddhas, arabic prayer writings, Amazon crystals, cupboards of vitamins and herbal remedies.

The further down the rabbit hole I went the darker it became. This ship had a hole in it, everyone jump off now, save yourselves.

I wished I was going insane in those days.

Because I was sane but I couldn’t for the life of me find a direction, find any meaning in my existence. I  wanted to cry in bed or more honestly get drunk and cry, with Xanax to clean up the mess of me
I can’t because I’m a mom. And I’m beyond grateful for the chance to be trusted with these perfect souls.

And Harvey Specter wouldn’t cry.

I had re started once again, this time in Calgary. 🤮

Determined to carve out a new life with my son. I quit most obvious bad habits, moved  two thousand miles away from everyone I knew.

I really thought I could outrun myself. Instead I had repeated myself,

with another son. A general lack of sleep. But filled with gratitude and humility z

I was comparing myself to all the people who had a marriage,a team mate and I started to suddenly blame and attack myself for why I was a single mom.

I would start a new project, not finish it, then let it irritate me every time I saw it unfinished.

I was self sabotaging but I couldn’t recognize it because I was carrying so much contempt for myself.

Again, in that reality, I was coasting along, able to take and discard the numerous “wake up Lauren slaps” and opportunities life kept hitting handing me. Because I didn’t think I deserved anything, I had become so self aware,so self conscious. My mind started to rip up old my ideas of myself, my self esteem to shreds, murderously and without notice.

If you want to remain the same, don’t ask where God is, or God where are you? Because he will show you. He will show you that your pathetic life is not serving anyone, not yourself, not your kids and definitely not the greater good.

I came to realization eventually that the only way out of this mind trap was to strive for the greatest good you can do in that moment.

When you feel overwhelmed – just do the next right thing.

make a sandwich.

To bring my chaotic life slowly but surely back into order I now know I should strive to go to bed knowing I did a little bit better job that day than I had done before.

I began to realize that everything my parents and the older generations had tried to teach me, was correct.

.Get up, make your bed, answer the calls , look at your bank accounts (even if that seems scary) raise these kids,stop blaming,be grateful, be open to possibility, strive to be more industrious, fix things that needed fixing.

Handle your shit.

Though I felt alone in those days I later felt like God was there the whole time. Listening to me act like a toddler. Waiting for me to finish my tantrum so he could show me how to behave better. And there I was. No sandcastle, two babies, all alone with my reflection, every wave exposing another lie I hadn’t wanted to see.

And I was finally fine with it. I picked my butt up and aspired from then on out I would aim higher. Do better. I would follow the straight and narrow path that our forefathers had carved out for us. My mind left to its own devices is a terror. But if I redirected it, focused it on doing the things that needed to be done and helped it to stop being scared of the million things that can be scary at any given time, things started to get better.

Start with making your bed. Take it from there.

sandcastle life

I’m going for a walk (not the after dinner kind)

I’ll walk till I figure this out . Once upon a time I was a bad bitch. Suddenly I’m like a wildcat pacing restlessly in a cage.

Being a young mom is hard but almost everything good in life, besides strokes of luck, in general good things require hard work with no immediate gratification. Hard work, for your future self, ya it isn’t a dopamine hit but later it is rewarding as hell. Facts.

It’s way better than living a life of avoiding responsibility. That pain of the 32+ year olds, in a basement suite, my generations version of men, that pain is real. And it really kinda sucks for all of us Gen Z . But I digress, completely:

As the kids get older, the house gets quieter and it’s a scary thing. I am alone with my old self. Lauren Ryckman version 2003 is terrifying

Luckily for humanity I murdered that version, buried it somewhere deep. Time to make/forge yet again a new identity.

This probably won’t get weird or anything.

Bad Religion

The sexist man on YouTube ?

Obviously, my taste in men in questionable at best.

However! I’m just throwing this out there…. OceanOnly is addictive as f. Like cats to catnip, women are going to make this man blow up.

Just saying.!

YouTube: OceanOnly

Snapchat: Oceanonlytarot

Instagram: LeftDynasty

2021 suck it

I couldn’t see how abundant life could be around the corner.

A year from now we’ll be in AZ

A year from now my sons will be young men.

A year from now I’ll still have no regrets.

A year from then I went through hell but I came back

But constant as the Northern Star
The darkness is before the dawn
It’s been in me
Right down the line

Only I can see
The changes that I’ve been through
The last boy, he left a mark on me

So I upheaved all the crazy dreams
Put it all, all behind
It’s me, myself and I

Cause I believed in me through those darkest nights
God put the Northern star there for a reason

This whole time
Right down the line

I have no doubt in my mind
it’s inside me
Right down the line

Go get em tiger (s) !

Mark from DraftBeerPro and DP from MicroDosingMD :

So proud of you dudes for having the cajones to start your entrepreneurial ventures ! Both of which will be wildly successful


I never knew this but draft beer lines and taps need to be cleaned every 2 weeks, 4 weeks max.

Or they get mighty yeasty, gnarly moldy, affecting draft beer taste and customer health.

*some bars dont clean their draught beer lines, Im not going to name names but come on guys call Mark at 403 333 8261 *

Anywho, k so there is a whole industry called Dispensers who :

1) Go to secondary school to become a licensed Dispenser
2) Clean, sanitize, maintain draft beer lines

3) Do liquor inventory with this cool Scorpio gun that tells the bar owner the exact amount of liquor that was poured

4) Install full home bars – making man cave dreams into reality

5) Dispensers work or are on call virtually 24/7

Im going to promote Mark’s business now bc him and his father have been serving Calgary for well over 25 years at the lowest price beer line cleaning, draught beer tap maintenance / sanitization, draught faucet cleaning, liquor inventory management matched with 24/7 customer service.

They are great guys and they work really *really* hard. Certified Dispense Specialists have been servicing the Alberta bar service industry for over 25 years. With 24/7 service calls, they are a local family run business that you can count on for clean beer lines, taps,faucets,fobs, draft beer line service repairs, liquor counting services, home bar installations, growler systems and so much more.

Mark Lalonde is second to none.

PS: Mark is also single YYC ladies !


OK! Lets talk hallucigens!

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A 3 year prozac prescription is less effective than one single monthly dose of microdose psilocybin mushrooms.

Crazy Eh?

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You attract who you are, raise the bar.

They say if you want to learn something go to the people who have done it well.

This is valuable advice. Seek advice from podcasts, authors, mentors, seek out people who are experts in a specific field.

By their fruits you’ll know them. By their results you’ll know if they are worth studying.
Repetition is important.

I once worked for both Pirin Rouptchin roofing and his mistress Neli Hristova at DermaVital and the lessons I learned will forever benefit me. If the tree produces no fruit, the tree is bad. Not worth knowing. Let it go.

It’s hard as hell to walk away from someone you caught feelings for, even when you know they are bad news.

Once I started to sit quietly with myself, my thoughts, I realized that I hadn’t been listening to “me” in a very long time.

Listening can be affected by our emotional states. Truly listening to another person without letting our mind drift takes constant practice.
If you repeat a mantra, reread a book or passage, listen to an audiobook over and over and over again, eventually your conscious mind will relent to allow your subconscious mind to absorb it.

When the subconscious accepts an idea it is a great thing.

In theos, in spirit, it becomes “it just is.”

Take a look at your current results, your circumstances and that’s where you’re at.

Try to look at your life with “new eyes” like when you come back from a vacation.

Never stop studying who you are and put yourself to the test in practice.

Application is key here bc you can measure your results when your ideas are put into practice.
When you hear the truth you’ll know it.

When your life is reflecting good things, you’re on a positive frequency.

From there we can continue raising our own awareness, raising the bar, striving for the highest possible good.

When two people feel in love, they are on the same frequency. Their minds dwell in the same space.
Love is harmony, it resonates with your soul, you’ll feel wholesome, peaceful and motivated.

Love doesn’t always involve a partner, for example I love what I do for work. I am in love with my current entrepreneurial venture.

Obviously, this feeling will ebb and flow.

When you fight with yourself or your partner and you will, take a minute to try and remember what it is you still love in life. Writing down things you love has raw power.

What do I love right now?

What do I love about me? What do I love about you?

What do I love about life?

How can I serve the greater good ? When you provide a service you love to do the money will always come. It will, I promise.

There is greatness within you! Seriously.

When you go about your day, shine. Spread joy. Trust others. Create a vibration or impression of abundance. Others will match your mood.

And if they don’t, close the door.

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