Swimming backwards.

Coming from a time of changes.

Changes that I didn’t ask for , didn’t foresee. Though they happened slowly , with giant red flags, I wanted to believe in love so naturally I didn’t have a fall back plan.

It knocked me off balance. All of a sudden, kind of like after an earthquake the wave I was riding started moving, faster and bigger into a huge tsunami wave. No ability to know where it is going much less the destruction it may or may not cause.

Not knowing where it should go, feeling overall directionless and panicked – the only safe place seemed to try and go backwards. Back towards the place before the wave. Or back to warn my old self of this inevitable fall so it wouldn’t hurt so bad.

Determined to move forward but a slave to my internal conflicts of : letting go of the past, missing the boy, the connection. Wishing things never ended up the way they did. This inner conflict kept me swimming backwards.

I’ve learned that my assumptions about missing someone, when the memories of him crash into my brain, I thought it meant that I should reconnect, try to revisit the past to figure out what went wrong. But that’s not actually the case at all.

I realized that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life.

You can miss someone without wanting them back. This is how it is.

Don’t let the emotions gaslight you (I am the guiltiest of this) it’s ok to still have love for someone, even forgive them but at the same time don’t let those emotions dictate the actions of today in the present.

As usual, the truth seems to be in the middle by combining two opposing forces. On the one hand the logical people accept the past and use it to their advantage. On the other hand, the creative people remain very much in the present, connected to reality. Use both forces to keep moving forward. I know how annoying that is to hear when the truth is like : this hurts, this sucks, I am lost, drowning and in need of an effing (handsome) lifeguard.

What helped the most during the tsunami breakup was my bff saying a singular elegant sentence:

“Girl, I think you forgot who f@ck you are.”

I forgot I’m a bad bit@h.

I have no regrets. I loved, I lost, I felt this lesson and I needed it. It gave me boundaries.

And ironically the wave (so cliché ! I know) pushed me right into the arms of my man. My lifeguard (lol I know I’m the worst right now!!) but I love you so much .

I’m grateful to Stephanie for her words of wisdom and to my ex for trying to drown me .

I ain’t scared of tsunamis. Duh.